We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Did You See That

Don't act surprised. I warned you that I don't follow rules. There is a prompt today ,but yea I don't wanna play because yesterday's prompt opened a wall and I think this is one hole I should follow the rabbit to the end of. 


I read many blogs written by people with bipolar. However, the one thing they all have never experienced is the grandiose delusions.

Grandiose delusion or delusions of grandeur is principally a subtype of delusional disorder (GD) that can occur as a wide range of mental illness, including in two thirds of those in manic state of bipolar disorder, half those with schizophrenia and a substantial portion of those with substance abuse disorders. GDs are characterized by fantastical beliefs that one is famous, omnipotent, wealthy, or otherwise very powerful. The delusions are generally fantastic and typically have a supernatural, science-fictional, or religious theme. There is a relative lack of research into GD, in comparison to persecutory delusions and auditory hallucinations. About 10% of healthy people experience grandiose thoughts but do not meet full criteria for a diagnosis of GD.

Grandiose delusions are distinct from grandiosity, in that the sufferer does not have insight into his loss of touch with reality. (thank you wikipedia)

At the moment I seem to be alone in this which is one reason I wanted to continue my train of thought on this subject because I know I am not the ONLY person to experience this and I know there will be people googling about this. So maybe reading about my personal experiences will help them or help them to understand a loved one because delusions take away a part of you that I am not quite sure can ever be repaired. 

Even though today I am for the most part "stable" I still worry. I worry that I am lying to myself about my stability. I worry that my view and perceptions of my surroundings are not accurate. I do not trust my perceptions about pretty much EVERYTHING. I doubt myself to an extent that I never did before. I worry that maybe tomorrow is the day I wake up and I will become lost again inside a fantasy. I worry that I will spend another 2-3 yrs not even knowing that everything around me isn't real and then another who knows how many years trying to undo the damage of those 2-3 yrs. 

I have huge gaps in my memory. Even the memories I have are mostly just flashes of this or that. I have very few real memories, and now having experienced years of delusions I worry that those flashes may not be real as well. I even sometimes wonder if I was even sexually abused. If maybe I didn't just make that up too or maybe my brain twisted a flash. I just don't know. 

I just don't know.......

Jigger knew a lot of the things I did during those few years and he use to always ask me "why". Because he knows me now and he never could reconcile the person I am now with the person I was then. He needed to know WHY and I never could tell him that I was delusional. It took me 2 yrs to be able to tell him and when I finally did I was so afraid of what he would think of me. I was so afraid of how he would look at me, but it probably saved our marriage because for him everything made sense. Everything became ok and I realize I am extremely lucky to have him because most people would have never looked at me the same again, but he isn't most people.

Just admitting that I have had a psychotic break is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It is much easier on my blog. I don't know you. You don't know me. I can disappear tomorrow and reappear as anyone I want so it's easier to write about it here, but to put voice to the words. 

It's one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am certain there are others out there who are like me. Afraid. Afraid to give voice to the words because it is like the final nail in the coffin. The ultimate proof of insanity. Bipolar is a fashionable disease in many ways, but delusions aren't. They are the dark side. The side people don't talk about. The side you hide away when company comes over. 

I don't really know what my point is. Not even sure if any of this makes sense, but I just need to get it out. To put it out there somewhere so that maybe one day I will find some understanding. Some reason for it.

I don't mind being bipolar. I was diagnosed when I was 13. I don't know any other way of being. Bipolar is as much a part of me as breathing. I don't know where I end and the illness begins, but the delusions terrify me because they have the ability to erase me in ways that nothing else can. If I could change one thing, then it would definitely be the delusions. I don't really have much regret in my life. From every bad I have learned. Grown. Become better.

But if tomorrow I were given the chance to change one thing, then that would be the one thing I would change. I never want to go through that again.




Kristy said...

I have suffered from delisons of grandeur . I haven't suffered from the extent I used to. My Bp1 gets better just by age and dealing with not exposing myself to extreme stress and occasionally some prn also shortleashing myself from the public. I was dx. at 17 I'm 38 now. One time I thought I could heal someone else. I thought I could talk to the god's etc. do anything. I was so crazy and delusional. It scares the hell out of me to get so delusional. I get off but never like I used to. It is hard when I go throught that manic period and nothing every has stopped it even meds. For the most part I have been Ok for awhile. The only thing I have seen that has helped is time. Your a strong lady . Keep up the blogging.

Haven said...

I'm the opposite of delusions of grandeur. I almost wish I knew what that was like...

But believe me, you’re not alone. Seemingly, I admit easily things on my blog that I go through, that I think, that I do. In the real world, never. Never would I give breath or vocalization to the thoughts that I share so freely in the blogosphere.

What you said about second guessing yourself, questioning whether you’ve even been through what you have…. I worry and fret that I’m not who I think I am. I’m almost afraid that I’m not BPD because then I’m just making all of this up, I’m that kind of delusional and I don’t even recognize it. Idk. It feels so twisted to want to be crazy, to prove that I’m not some other kind of crazy.

I’m really curious about what you said about not having whole memories or not having big chunks of memories. For me, it’s like I can remember a scene or event here or there, but I don’t have large swaths of recollections. Not from when I was young. I don’t know why, it just seems like I never had that kind of memory. I wonder if that’s normal or not. I’ve never really questioned it. Just written it off as, well no one has a perfect memory, now I wonder, wonder wonder.


You're not alone

Kim said...

You're the first person I've ever "met" who spoke like this about BP. I have learned a tremendous amount. Needed to learn it. I feel that the person we've spoken of in my life also suffered from grand delusions. I never knew it was a symptom. I have had to spend a lot of money on therapy to undo some of the harm caused by it.


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