Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Getting back to some writing prompts. This is a past prompt but it's something I struggle with every single day.

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

(Author: Esther Poyer)

 First let's talk about the quote itself. This speaks volumes to me. I lie to myself so much that I very rarely know the truth. I have found a sort of peace and calm within the lies that I don't want to leave them. I am now having to face some harsh realities and a part of me wants to run back to the fictitious world that I had created. A world filled with happiness and calm, a world that is slowly crumbling around me. I know it is important that I face the truth even if it is ugly, but a part of me wants to stay in the fantasy land. In the lies because there is no pain there. Even though the pain returns there are at least moments without it and to have just a moment without pain is all I really want. 

However to be honest, I could not do this. I cannot look in a mirror at myself for 3 minutes. On the very rare occasions I do look in the mirror, I do not even recognize the person standing there. It's as if I am looking at a stranger. There is such a sadness in the eyes of the person staring back at me. A sadness and an emptiness that pains me to see. 

The longer I look the uglier the reflection becomes. It morphs into this evil, repulsive creature that I don't want to believe is me, but it is what I think people see when they look at me. I just can't bear to look at myself. I see all of my flaws. All of the wrongness that is me. Even if it is a lie, I just want a few moments where I am not that broken creature staring back at me. So if I don't look, then it doesn't exist. If I pretend it's not there, then it disappears and for a few moments, I am free from the pain. Free from the past. Free from the hurt. 

In the end, that is all I really want. To be free. 


Edited to add:

I wrote the above but now having hit publish and sort of reading the quote again, I have had quite a few thoughts run through my mind, but the one that stuck out the most was the truth is not beautiful. It is a raging ugly beast that ravages everything it touches. I much prefer the "lies" of my fantasy world over the "truth" of reality.