We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Stuff, Life, and More Stuff

I have no idea where this post will end up or if you will even be bothered to make it to the end. If not I understand. Just to forewarn you I have comments turned off at the moment on my blog. Why?

Well, no rational reason. Just that it's rubbing my exposed nerve endings raw so I figured it best to just turn comments off before I end up ripping someone a new asshole and inserting my foot into it. So yea it's definitely me not you. Bipolar in full force. It makes no rational sense to anyone not even to me.

So there is a lot going on I haven't written about mostly because well I don't know why. Just cause that is the mood I am in. A fucked up mood that even I have no clue as to what it is. In this post I intend to drop the random shit that has been floating around my head the last few days.

My pregnant SIL left a couple days ago. She is about two months away from her due date and her mother decided she should have the baby in her home. So my SIL is there and will stay there until after the baby is born. What is sad is that my BIL is a really great guy. He isn't the smartest or the richest, but you won't find a better husband than him. He works his ass off 15 hrs a day 7 days a week to provide for her any and everything she asks for. He gives her. Whether she meant to become a bitch or not I haven't quite decided. I know her mother plays a major role in the turmoil.

My MIL does the same thing but I ignore her. They make little snide remarks about so & so down the road whose husband bought this or did that. Little snide remarks that build up over time and create friction between husband and wife. IF the wife allows it to. Maybe it's because I was raised differently I don't know, but I have no issues putting my MIL in her place. I don't like anyone being between my husband and me. He is the same way. We always stick together. It's us against the world. We still argue from time to time but I have no doubt as to whether or not he would take my side.

My SIL could have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband if she were strong enough to keep her family out of it, but she isn't because that is not how things are done here so. Anyways that is my soap opera. No need to watch them on TV my life is a never ending one. 

As for me, I still am lost down in the rabbit hole. A hole so deep and dark that I am not certain I will ever dig my way out of. I realize I have no one to blame but myself, but fuck me I just need a break. Just a moment where it's not so hard. Where I am not fighting or struggling or worrying. Just a moment where I think maybe just maybe there will come a day when it's not so fucking hard. So I guess I have been mostly having one big pity party for myself because well someone has to so it might as well be me.  I am literally just holding on by the skin of my teeth. Scratching and clawing trying to keep my head above water, but mostly just drowning.

Edited to add: I forgot the more stuff part

I ended a job I had been working on. Why? Well because I just felt something "bad" about it. Now in all rational logical forms of thinking there really wasn't anything bad about it, but I had this "feeling" and we all know in bipolar land feelings reign supreme. No matter how much I tried to overcome this feeling I just couldn't so I just left the job. I hate being controlled by irrational illogical emotions. Emotions that even I know are fucked up and make no sense, but still I must obey them. And obey them I do.


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