I was visiting Kim over at The Child. Each week she does this thing where she "pours her heart out". She did it again today btw. You should check it out. She talks about boobies and milk. Very fascinating stuff. Anyways, it got me thinking that I need to do that. I need to just purge myself of the shit that is festering inside of me. I need to purge it in a healthy way before I purge it with a razor sliding across my skin. Because that is where this path leads.
This post will probably be long and make little sense to the people who live outside my head, but this blog is for me. It is my way of dealing with the shit thing that is my brain. It is not for entertainment. Hopefully there is some educational value in it, but in reality it is for me and me alone. So here goes. Diving into the darkness that is my brain:
At the moment, I am feeling anxious, jittery, on edge, overwhelming, and suffocated. I want to address each of these emotions one by one.
Anxious: I am anxious because I know Jigger is going on his trip next month. I worry about what will become of me without him. He has been my rock for 3 years and now suddenly my support is falling out from underneath me. At least that is what it feels like. The closer it gets the more anxious I get. Another reason I feel anxious is because his way of preparing and mine are total opposites. There is a lot that needs to be done,but since we still have more than a month left before he leaves, Jigger says "there's plenty of time no need to do it now". If he had told me to hold my breath until he left, I think it would have been easier. I need to prepare and I NEED to do it NOW. As in right NOW. This minute. Not tomorrow. Not day after tomorrow. But NOW. A part of my brain knows that I really do have time and it isn't an absolute necessity, but the part of my brain that says "holy fuck the earth will fall of its axis and cows will stop producing milk if you don't do it NOW" is much louder and more forceful than the part that understands there is still "time". Being late or unprepared are two things I do not deal with very well.
Jittery: I don't know if that is even a real word but it describes exactly how I feel at this moment. I feel like my skin is crawling. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest like I ran a marathon. Even though the only part of my body capable of running a marathon is my mouth. There are times when I feel I can't breathe or that it is difficult to catch my breath. I feel like there is a huge weight sitting upon my chest. My hands won't stop shaking. My body won't stop shaking. The thoughts in my brain won't stop coming. Thought after thought after though. I feel the constant need to be doing "something". I cannot be still. Not even for a moment. A single second of quiet and stillness brings me into a full blown panic attack. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel as if I should be doing something but am not quite sure as to what that something is.
On edge: In part this is an extension of the "jittery" emotion. I feel like I am standing on the edge of cliff and someone or something is hiding in the shadows waiting for their opportunity to push me over the edge. What is so frustrating is that a part of me knows this feeling of paranoia is unsubstantiated, but even knowing that does not lessen my fear that "something" is about to happen. "Something" is coming. "Something" wants to hurt me. It's hard enough running from real threats and avoiding real dangers. How do you hide from imaginary ones?
Overwhelmed: This also brings about the feeling of being unable to breathe. I have so much to do but yet nothing to do at the same time. All of the things that I feel I need to do are not real things that need to be done. They are just things I feel need to be done. Things I should be doing but am not doing. I put immense pressure upon myself and then when I can't live up to that I hate myself. I feel like a failure for not being able to live up to the unrealistic bar I have set for myself. Then I have so much imaginary shit on my plate that I am unable to take care of the real shit that is laying around and then nothing gets accomplished and I feel even worse because it only reaffirms the thought that I am a failure. Worthless. Unable to do anything right. While no one outside of my head tells me this and if people knew all of the things I have actually accomplished within the limited resources I have available they would be utterly shocked at all I have accomplished, but no matter how much I achieve or do it is never enough. Never good enough. Never enough. I should do more. That is the constant thought that runs through my mind. I should do/be MORE.
Suffocated: At the moment, my life is pretty much halted. For the first time probably in my entire life, I have hopes and dreams of a future. Hopes and dreams and wants and desires and I feel like the universe is laughing at me because my circumstances do not allow me to be able to achieve any of the things I want. For the first time I have the feeling of wanting to "live" inside of me. Not just exist but live and I am unable to. It makes me feel like the walls are closing in on me. That my world is somehow turning against me and trying to take the very breath in my lungs from me. Even though my life is not as bad as I am making it out to be, this feeling of suffocation is making me begin to hate my life. I don't want to start hating life again. I can feel the anger boiling inside of me. The anger at the world. At the wind. At the trees. Anger that just is.
Anger: I guess it only appropriate anger comes next. At the moment, I just feel angry. At the universe. As much as I hate to admit it even at God. I don't talk very much about religion, but I do have a deep faith. One that has kept me alive and saved me, but a small part of me feels anger towards God for all of the things that have happened to me. I know there is a plan and a reason and a meaning. There has to be. (If you don't believe in these things, that is fine.You don't have to, but understand you will respect my beliefs if you intend to comment here. Otherwise your words will be erased.Remember this land is ruled by a dictator who is not afraid to push the big red button). Then I hate myself for feeling this anger so it is a never ending cycle of feeling anger and then repressing it only to have it fester back up stronger than before. Then I push it back down and ignore it until it rears its ugliness in other areas of my life. Like picking fights over where the bananas are kept or grown ass men watching soap operas. .
Tired: I am just tired. Anyone with bipolar or PD will understand this feeling. Just tired of the struggle. Tired of it all. Just tired. Is it really all worth the effort?
There are many reasons why I am feeling so many things all at once. Some are real and justified like trying to start a new business, dealing with new clients. This is the unknown for me. I have never ventured into this area before. I feel I am inadequate, not good enough, and therefore my work will also be not good enough. Yet I am putting myself out there and it's scary. I don't know what will happen. The unknown is a major stressor/trigger for me. I think that is why I prefer to stay in unhealthy relationships/circumstances because I understand the unhealthy. I know what will come next. There is no unknowns for me in unhealthy, but "healthy" is foreign and alien to me. I don't know what to do with it or how to react to it. I don't know what things mean if they are good or bad. If I should be scared or happy. I don't understand them and this sense of unknown and not understanding is a majorly huge trigger for me. I MUST know. If I know, then I can control and will know which direction to run when the shit hits the fan, but if I don't know, then how can I protect myself?
How will I know where to run when it all falls apart because at some point it will all fall apart, right? At least that is what my brain says.
A place I long to be. A place I understand and miss.