We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Friday, 13 May 2011

R.A.W. Emotions


There is talk of blood, PMS, and tampons in this post. Guy(s), you've been warned. Proceed with caution.

R.A.W. 


That is how I feel at the moment. Like every nerve ending I have is exposed and even the slight touch of a morning's breeze hurts me. I am easily irritated. Stupid little things get on my nerves and cause me to feel anxious, nervous, panicked. Every month I get this way. 

Raw. I feel exposed. As if I have been left out in the open. Vulnerable. As if a predator is about to attack. Only I have no idea who or what it is or from where it is coming. 

Every month I get this way. About 3-4 days before my period starts. While I know women get PMS, this seems to be PMS on crack. At times I am so frustrated I just want to hit something or someone. If I could just scream nonstop for five minutes I think I would feel better. It's like having a murderer bottled up inside of me that is trying to escape. A living breathing entity of madness that has crept inside of me that now has awakened and is desperately fighting for its freedom. Except I am certain if it is given freedom that I would be its first victim.

After I married Jigger, I began noticing this pattern. Not for the first year, but that was mostly because I wasn't paying attention. However, the last two years I have been because I have been trying to get a handle on my bipolar symptoms. I have noticed that during this time we usually have a fight. It is the only time we argue. Everything he says pisses me off. I feel his every word is an attack against me. As if he is intentionally trying to hurt me. The banana fight happened during these days as well. 

 We also fight because I have no idea what it is I want. Food that I normally love, I suddenly hate. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am hot one minute, cold the next. I feel hungry but don't want food. The thought of eating literally makes me sick, but at the same time I am hungry. I freak out if Jigger isn't home but when he gets home I can't stand to have him near me. I realize that nothing I am feeling makes sense but no matter what I do I cannot stop the roller coaster of emotions that is roaring through me.

Everything I have read about bipolar and PMS seems to suggest that women with bipolar tend to have less mood swings and less irritability than non-bipolar women. The reason they give is because women with bipolar are on mood stabilizers such as lithium. Since PMS is basically a fluctuation of hormones and moods, the lithium helps to control this so women with bipolar don't have PMS. But what about non-medicated women with bipolar? I haven't been able to find anything about this. 

That is the reason I am writing about this.



8 comments:

Miss Rosie said...

I have the same problem. One thing, I got off the pill and that seemed to help. Then I started taking a daily calcium supplement. I read once that the additional calcium helps with PMS, it seems to work most of the time.

My question is... if you have been diagnosed bipolar, why aren't you medicated? Not trying to be nosey, but I am curious.

Sapphire Dragonflies said...

All I can say to this is....Hystorectomy saved my life...and the lives of my family. :)

Haven said...

Hm, I imagine that without medication it would be worse, or at least no better than PMS symptoms of a non-bipolar woman. I could see it being worse because on top of already intensely swinging emotions you now have an additional flux of hormones and mood swings. So I don't see how this could possibly make PMS better for a bipolar woman. At best it would be the 'normal' amount.

I'm a terrible example of this though. I don't ever have PMS anything. I also haven't had my period in two months, but i'm definitely not pregnant. Hm.

Maasiyat said...

Miss Rosie, it's an extremely long and complicated story. Maybe I will write a post about it and how I deal with my bipolar being unmedicated. Hmm that is a good post idea come to think of it.

SD, if only they did those without a medical necessity. I can't have kids so why I need a period is beyond me.

Haven, I would so trade you. But considering your eating habits, I thought not having periods was a normal reaction of that or am I wrong?

Haven said...

Even with my eating habits I usually have some kind of period though it's generally very light and short. This not having it at all is pretty weird.

kitkat said...

i ove this song!!
sowi girl, have u considered getting medical health though?

Deus Ex Machina said...

I've also wanted to comment on THIS, but you know, blogger, short bus...blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so, yeah, apparently you and I are on the same schedule... I think ever since the first day we started talking. And yeah, I can confirm that bipolar meds do help significantly with premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Look it up. That's what you have. Basically, it means once a month, you go super-psycho on top of your regular psycho. And it sucks. Monkey balls. I know.

Maasiyat said...

I love you more than I did before if that is even possible. I had no idea it even had a NAME. I thought it was just something in my head because I kept searching PMS and what I feel is way beyond PMS. Sucks is not the word for it.

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