There is talk of blood, PMS, and tampons in this post. Guy(s), you've been warned. Proceed with caution.
That is how I feel at the moment. Like every nerve ending I have is exposed and even the slight touch of a morning's breeze hurts me. I am easily irritated. Stupid little things get on my nerves and cause me to feel anxious, nervous, panicked. Every month I get this way.
Raw. I feel exposed. As if I have been left out in the open. Vulnerable. As if a predator is about to attack. Only I have no idea who or what it is or from where it is coming.
Every month I get this way. About 3-4 days before my period starts. While I know women get PMS, this seems to be PMS on crack. At times I am so frustrated I just want to hit something or someone. If I could just scream nonstop for five minutes I think I would feel better. It's like having a murderer bottled up inside of me that is trying to escape. A living breathing entity of madness that has crept inside of me that now has awakened and is desperately fighting for its freedom. Except I am certain if it is given freedom that I would be its first victim.
After I married Jigger, I began noticing this pattern. Not for the first year, but that was mostly because I wasn't paying attention. However, the last two years I have been because I have been trying to get a handle on my bipolar symptoms. I have noticed that during this time we usually have a fight. It is the only time we argue. Everything he says pisses me off. I feel his every word is an attack against me. As if he is intentionally trying to hurt me. The banana fight happened during these days as well.
We also fight because I have no idea what it is I want. Food that I normally love, I suddenly hate. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am hot one minute, cold the next. I feel hungry but don't want food. The thought of eating literally makes me sick, but at the same time I am hungry. I freak out if Jigger isn't home but when he gets home I can't stand to have him near me. I realize that nothing I am feeling makes sense but no matter what I do I cannot stop the roller coaster of emotions that is roaring through me.
Everything I have read about bipolar and PMS seems to suggest that women with bipolar tend to have less mood swings and less irritability than non-bipolar women. The reason they give is because women with bipolar are on mood stabilizers such as lithium. Since PMS is basically a fluctuation of hormones and moods, the lithium helps to control this so women with bipolar don't have PMS. But what about non-medicated women with bipolar? I haven't been able to find anything about this.
That is the reason I am writing about this.