We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Friday, 6 May 2011

Nothing but the Truth

I am a compulsive liar. What is a compulsive liar?

Compulsive Liar

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship

The terms Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar and Chronic Liar are often used to refer to a Compulsive Liar.

I lie about the most mundane stupid things. It is a compulsion that I cannot control. I lie because I fear the reaction of the person if I tell the truth. I have read that people with bipolar lie frequently, but I think for me it is more than just the bipolar. I grew up in an extremely abusive home. My father was an alcoholic. He beat my mother, molested me.

By the time I was 5 and started kindergarten, I was an excellent liar. "Oh MJ, how did you get that bruise, sweetie? I fell down off my bicycle". It was instant. No thought was necessary. The lie came to me as easily as the truth. Even if you catch me in a lie, I will lie my way out of it. Sometimes I convince myself the lie is the truth. I have done this so much that I actually have moments and memories that I am uncertain if they are real or just something I made up.

What people don't understand is that I don't want to lie. I want to be able to tell the truth, but I can't. It is an irrational unexplainable fear. My whole life I have been told I wasn't good enough. That I was bad. That no one would love me. So I lie because who could accept me if I said the truth? Except that people get angry and upset when they find out I lied especially when it is a stupid lie that was totally unnecessary. I lose friends because of this which only re-enforces my need to lie. It re-enforces the irrational thoughts of not being "good enough".  Confused by that? Me too. In a rational mind, you would think "hmmm I won't lie then people won't get mad at me", but in an irrational illogical bipolar mind it becomes "see I told the truth and they got mad and left. this is why I should have just lied".

I don't know if I will ever be able to stop. Now it is a subconscious act. Trying to stop lying would be like trying to stop breathing and somehow still survive. How does one do that?

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life

'Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just u + ur hand tonight

"u + ur hand - pink"


Sapphire Dragonflies said...

It's a good thing I don't scare easily, huh? You have acceptance from me. But, I think you knew that already. ;)

Aimee said...

I've actually consciously been working on this over the past few years. Really bending my thought on it and trying to be aware of what is coming out of my mouth. Sometimes that means not saying anything. At least for a while, until i've had time to evaluate my response. I've also been practicing the phrase "Ok, that was a lie. Don't pay attention to me...." LOL. Couple things I've learned. 1) It feels good to be able to tell the truth. I'm stronger and more in control of my impulses. and 2) It's good to know people like you based on the truth. You're relationships are so much more genuine. It's very easy for me to lose respect for someone who believes my lies. No respect, no real affection, which means the relationship isn't any deeper than a bathtub. I've done a LOT of backpeddling over the past few years. My husband has become far too familiar with the phrase, "Hey, you remember that time I told you _______?" Oh, so much fun ;)

Maasiyat said...

SD, you know I could take that as a challenge. lol

Aimee, I swear you're like my miniMe. I am like you definitely trying to work on this. I don't know if it will ever fully go away or if I will have to always constantly be aware of the words that are leaving my mouth. But it's something I am trying to work on. Oh and the respect thing when you believe me. Yep exactly. If you believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth, then get ready because you ain't seen nothing yet. I will take you on a ride that will blow your mind.

Miss Rosie said...

my problem is only giving a little of the truth. For instance, I was caught doing something wrong and when asked I only gave the answer that would quiet the question, no more. I never give up extra information. And that gets me in a whole heap of trouble with my husband.

Maasiyat said...

Miss Rosie, I do that too. Half truths or half lies. It also gets me in trouble with my husband which is why I am working so hard to break this, but it really is so much harder than people think. Mostly because it isn't a concious act. I don't "choose" to lie. It's just something I do like breathing. I don't think people understand that.

hed said...

I do it too, and only during this huge depressive episode did I actually put 2 and 2 together.

I think I do it because I want to be in control. If I want to sleep in but know I can't, I will lie and say I'm sick with something. If I don't want to go to work, the biggest, most elaborate lie will come out of my mouth to get out of going to work.

That's just me...


Maasiyat said...

Hed, I am the same way especially when I am in the depressed state. But mine goes way beyond that. I mean if you ask me if I like pepsi, there is only a 10% chance I will tell you the truth. I do it about everything all the time. When I am manic, holy fuck look out because let me tell you I will come up with some doozies but what scares me the most is not remembering what is real and what is just shit I made up. That scares me.


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