You know one of the things I have discovered while blogging? It is the cheapest therapy I have ever had in my life. Now don't get me wrong it is no substitute for the real deal, but it definitely has some unique advantages. The best being getting to hear input from others who are "just like YOU". Yesterday I wrote about how I lie. ALL. THE. TIME. and Aimee, who is one of the few women I would turn Bi for and is my MiniMe, made a comment. That comment led me to an epiphany. Of sorts.
Aimee said, "It's very easy for me to lose respect for someone who believes my lies. No respect, no real affection, which means the relationship isn't any deeper than a bathtub"
and I replied, "Yep exactly. If you believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth, then get ready because you ain't seen nothing yet. I will take you on a ride that will blow your mind.".
Literally as my fingers typed those words a light bulb went off over my head and I had a WTF moment. You see for those of you new to my little corner of the blogsphere. I suffered from pretty severe delusions. You can read about some of that here. and here .
Now this little exchange got me to thinking about how I ended up believing I was some divinely appointed shaman-esque type person. You see I didn't come up with this idea on my own. Someone else told me this and well in the beginning I think I just played along with it because I was getting attention. At the time I was severely depressed and felt so utterly alone in the world. So it started out as a why not, let's play type thing, but you see another problem I have is that I tend to lose grip on reality. I mentioned yesterday I have memories and I am not sure if they are real or if they are lies because sometimes I begin to believe my own lies. My lies become as real to me as reality and I will defend my own lie because I BELIEVE it 110% without doubt even though it is an absolute lie. I "forget" it is a lie.
Now I think that is what led me down the rabbit hole. I began to believe my own lie. I got lost in the fantasy and couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. This is something that scares me to death. I have lost so much of my life because I had toxic people around me and I ended up believing the bullshit they did/said.I fear that if I again choose the wrong people to be near me that I will end up in the same situation again, but then another part of me fears being alone.
It is a catch-22. I am afraid to have people near me and yet just as afraid of being alone. I don't know what the solution is, but at least having a bit of understanding into it can maybe one day help in finding the solutions. Maybe.