We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Monday, 16 May 2011

The Reason My Donkey Eats BallSacs

I blog anonymously. If I didn't blog anonymously, then I wouldn't be able to tell you how pissed off I am right now. I also wouldn't be able to tell you the reason I am so pissed is because of my BIL. If I don't relieve myself of some of this tension, then either my head is going to spin off or explode. I am not really sure which. So why am I pissed at my BIL?Because he does jack shit all nothing all fucking day long, that's why. The boy is 25ish and sits all day long watching, are you ready for this?


That's right. Not sports, not men beating on each other. Not even cartoons. SOAP FUCKING OPERAS. 

I have a vagina and I don't watch soap operas. I cannot understand this. I cannot understand why a grown ass man has no feeling of shame or insert really bad feeling here by watching me and Jigger work our asses off trying to put a roof over our heads and buy enough food to feed the entire family each month. Counting pennies and praying that NOTHING extra comes up or breaks or no one has a baby or dies and then we have to buy something extra because if we do it means that we don't get to eat that day. 

I know what pisses me off about it the most. I have no control over the situation. I can't kick his ass and tell him to grow a fucking pair. I have to smile and let it be. That is Jigger's catch phrase. That and just ignore it. 

WTF?! Do I look like I am capable of "just ignoring it"? 

Deep breaths. I have lived on my own since I was 14 years old. Even when I lived with people, I didn't really live with people. I mean they had their own lives and I had mine. They fended for themselves and I did for me. We simply existed in the same space. My existing did encroach upon them and they did not encroach upon me. I do not know how to to "just be" in a family. I do not understand this whole "ignore it" when there is absolutely no fucking reason why the boy cannot get up off his ass and WORK like the rest of us.

If he had a reason, then it would be different, but I do not consider selfish and lazy to be reasons. This type of laziness is a huge trigger for me. Mostly because my uncle and other family members did the same thing and I supported them. I feel like I am just a fucking ATM for people. I feel used and I hate it. I have tried to make Jigger understand, but their thinking is so different. To them 25ish is young and if you're unmarried, then it's not the time for responsibilities. To me 25ish is long past the fucking time for responsibility. Married or not.

I also worry that when Jigger is gone next month that I am not going to be able to contain the shit that is festering inside of me. Mostly because I know the family will start saying shit to me again. Every day I sit here and just obsess over what may or may not happen while he is gone. Which only increases my already through the roof anxiety.

FML. If they ever invent do over's for life, I call first dibs.

This was for a writing prompt for Studio 30+. The prompt was "do over".


Aimee said...

Oh how I wish there were life mulligans. Oh indeed. You know, I can deal with the different food, different standard of living, different language, different clothes, different religion, but what you just described would probably be my downfall in that culture. I'd probably get drug through the street by said donkey while being flogged and cursed.... or at least exiled to Australia with all the other criminals and whores....

Maasiyat said...

If I disappear next month, then you will know where to find me. It's these little things that just get under my skin and make me wanna pluck my eyeballs out with pencils and then feed them to the cat.

Kim said...

I get your anger. I so get it. I KNOW I could not stand by and keep my mouth shut. What a culture shock this has got to be for you!


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