We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Where I Rip the Heads off Something



I haven't written much lately. I haven't read either. Well I have just not the Noonday Demons book or the Courage to Heal book. I have felt uncomfortable in my own skin which is pretty much an everyday thing but the last few days it's been worse than usual. For whatever reason these days come and go. There is no explanation for their arrival and I never know how long they will be. They just come. Play with my so called life and when they get bored, they leave. I am just a toy for them.

I have been extremely aggitated the last few days. Pissed off at the air for being air. For filling my lungs. For blowing my hair. For touching me. I just wanted to be alone, but everywhere I went someone was there even if it was only me. It pissed me off. Days like the last few days,  I hate my life, and feel as if I want a different one, but have no energy, want, or desire enough to actually change my life. Except that I don't really want a DIFFERENT life. It's just a fleeting moment where I suddenly decide "ugh fuck it and throw it all away". Then five minutes after  I go WTF did I do I want it back. Which totally confuses the hell out of anyone in a five mile radius of me.

During days like these, Jigger often asks "What do you want?!" . Therein lies the problem. I don't know what I want. I just want. Something. If Jigger didn't hold me so tightly and tie me in my spot, this would be the moment I run. Whenever I start to feel antsy, whenever I start to feel like I am the puppet and everyone is attaching a string to pull me in whichever direction they choose, that is when I cut the strings and run. 

I know part of this is that my life is not the life I want. It is not the life that I envisioned myself having, but it is the life I have. It isn't that horrible. I have a home which a lot of people don't. I eat everyday when many around me are hungry. I have a husband who loves me and does his best to navigate the insanity that is my world. I don't have a whole lot to complain about, but never the less, this is not the life I dreamed of having. It isn't me. Not that I know what "me" is, but I know what "me" isn't. I feel trapped when all I want is to be FREE. I have no idea what it is I want to be FREE from. All I know is I feel like a bird with a broken wing staring at the night's sky, dreaming of the day when I am able to soar. 


5 comments:

Sapphire Dragonflies said...

Every now and again, I'll go through something like this. It's those times when I have to have about 24 hours of absolutely zero stimulation from the outside world.

I wonder, if perhaps, you are getting axious about Jigger's upcoming trip? Maybe you should stock the fridge with bananas....

Maasiyat said...

SD, zero stimulation sounds lovely. Maybe I need one of those sensory deprivation chambers. No this doesn'thave anything to do with the trip. It's just part of the roller coaster.

Kim said...

I love your self-awareness. I know that this is rare. For me, knowing that feelings, emotions, and stretches of discomfort are fleeting is comforting. May you find comfort soon my friend.

Miss Rosie said...

I would like to have just a few days alone to get my thoughts back on track. I feel like everything is out of control these days. I have had a constant feeling of anxiety for over a month now... to the point that my chest AND my back hurt.

Maasiyat said...

Miss Rosie!! Woot blogger let you out of comment jail!!

I know the feeling I have been on the anxiety roller coaster for about a month now too and am so ready to just get the fuck OFF!! Blah

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